"Motherhood has a very humanizing effect. Everything gets reduced to essentials." I ran across this quote and it perfectly describes what I've been feeling for the past month a half since Stella has arrived in our lives. Normal activities such as brushing my teeth, sitting down to eat, going for a jog, or sleeping...(did I mention sleeping?) are now a struggle. When you do have free time you're prisoner to questions of when she'll wake up or when she needs to nurse next. It's funny to look back at my first few days with her. I was so careful and meticulous handling her. A barely wet diaper was immediately changed. A small cry and she was instantly picked up and cuddled until she was calmed back down to sleep.... as a mother you learn quickly that you can't continue in this manner or you will lose your independence, and soon after that... your mind.
Eventually you have to find a balance in making time for yourself, your boyfriend or husband, your friends, and your kids. I'm trying to learn that and wrap my mind around it- which these days is usually kicking on five or six hours of sleep.
Stella will continue to take up my energy and sleep for a long time, but I am looking forward to watching her grow and be a large part of her life. I now watch kids talking back to their moms in public and cringe. I want to yell. "Do you know how many hours of sleep she lost? How many hours she kept walking with you in the middle of the night even though her back ached and her arm was asleep? Do you know that you spit up all over her new shirt when she tried to gather up some energy and put herself together for a rare date with your dad?"
But, it's a cycle. We all start out as babies with mothers that sacrifice and want only the best for you. Whether or not we live up to those expectations and make them proud is our own story. I don't think we ever really understand that until we're a parent ourselves. I didn't.
I now realize I made some stupid decisions, which I will be telling Stella about so she doesn't do the same. I realize I was in relationships that I was disrespected in, and I pray she never experiences the same. I am so proud to call Brian my boyfriend and her father. I am so glad that she can look to him and know how women should be treated.
As far as this R&B Spring/Summer Collection of 2011 goes... it's going. I would be lying if I didn't say it has been really tough. But, I also feel it is going to be one of my best. I am having so much fun with the mexican theme. The bright ethnic prints are so brilliant and fun. Hope to see you at the show!